Goodbye, Trophy Wife

News of Trophy Wife’s premature cancellation at the end of its first season hit Twitter (and my email inbox) as I was rewatching the latest episode, “Back To School,” to take notes for when I would sit down and write my blog post about it. Coming at the end of an episode where Kate, Jackie, and Hillary bare their insecurities about their accomplishments and Kate hints at going back to college to finish her degree, the timing felt particularly cruel.

Reading back over my first post about the show, which I started covering four episodes into the season, I have to say the writers delivered on everything I hoped to see for the characters and then some.

I’d hoped that we’d get to see Kate do more than make breakfast and do laundry, and she did. Not only were her relationships with her husband, stepkids, and Jackie and Diane explored, but we saw her attempting to branch out and make more mom friends (which sadly didn’t seem to work out, but she has a big family to fall back on now too). She even briefly tried starting a business with Jackie, which turned out like many of Jackie’s businesses seem to, but I did appreciate seeing Kate’s real business acumen. And as mentioned earlier, we got to see the beginnings of what Kate would have dove into in a second season, like going back to school or perhaps going back to work. Malin Akerman gave Kate the heart, humor, and wit that subverted every negative trope about trophy wives.

Pete’s Judicial Erotica (“it’s not Legal Porn!”) was mentioned more than once, and Bradley Whitford always brought his best dimple game, so color me pleased. Whitford is legitimately a joy to watch. Pete’s freak flag flew highest perhaps in the episode where Bert lost a tooth and Pete then misplaced it and went off the deep end over the whole thing. My favorite Pete arc is undoubtedly the one leading up to The Wedding. The scene where he proposes to Kate in the garage was just beautiful and demonstrated exactly why Kate/Pete work at the center of this circus of a family.

Diane proved to be more of a gem than I even realized at the beginnig, and I think Marcia Gay Harden had a lot to do with that. An episode where she and Hillary host a group of Hillary’s friends for a sleepover, and Diane’s charcuterie and movie choices aren’t appreciated, ended in a sweet quiet moment where Diane affirms that the night was for Hillary and her friends, not for herself. And her admission to Kate when her secret relationship with RussBradleyMorrison is revealed that: “I succeed at everything I do. I have one failure, my marriage,” showed exactly how vulnerable she is under her fabulously icy exterior. (Also my dream of Diane and Meg stuck in an elevator was more than realized when they played beer pong and kind of flirted like crazy a little bit.)

Jackie. Oh, Jackie. Spirit animal, light of my heart. Michaela Watkins’ delivery of Jackie’s relentless warmth, lack of boundaries, and zany individuality have been a thing of beauty. What kept Jackie from becoming a grating cartoon character were moments like her capable and loving mothering of Hillary when helping her with an art project, and her vulnerability to the grown up mean girl moms of Bert’s soccer team (and in this week’s episode when she encounters a high school bully at her reunion). I loved seeng her and Diane work together, whether it was to catch Kate and Pete playing hooky with a fake couples therapy cover, or to find a birthday present for Pete from the kids. Jackie was, is, and ever shall be a bright star, and it’s because of who she is, not because of the boutique pickle business she runs out of her trunk.

Hillary was a bit of a pill for a good chunk of this season but by no means was she without redeeming qualities. Bailee Madison really was great as Diane’s hyper-achieving daughter and I absolutely adored her in last week’s episode especially. Aside from her hilarious barb-trading runner with Meg, Hillary’s highlights were when she was owning her type-A traits, like when she told a former teacher who called her a suck-up: “What you call a suck-up I call a go-getter. So I am going to keep go-getting, and it is going to go-get me places.”

Ryan Lee’s Warren was just a delight through and through, from his spot-on Ellen Degeneres Halloween costume to his excitement at getting a new best friend when the girl he was crushing on told him she was gay. Warren and Bert’s boyish shenanigans were always good for C-plot cuteness, and Warren and Kate had a really interesting cool-girl-nerdy-guy dynamic that ended on a great note with Kate’s support of Warren joining his school’s all girls field hockey team when she thought he needed to make more friends.

Albert Tsai will certainly be snapped up next pilot season if not before, and I hope he enjoys every minute of his time working on camera as much as viewers enjoy his fresh easy delivery. His storylines with Diane and Pete brought out both characters’ much needed sweetness and his carefree quirkiness made perfect sense with Jackie as a mother.

I’ll leave you with Bert’s lovely voiceover from this week’s episode, all the more poignant as we say goodbye to a show that could have flourished through many more chapters with the Harrison-Buckley-Fishers:

“There are so many stages in life: kid, older kid, grown up. Each one is special. It’s fun to look back on the person you were and remember who you wanted to be. But you have to look forward too because most of the time you don’t even realize you’re ready to move on to the next chapter until you’re already there.”

Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr. We here at WWFTP would like to thank Mary for her weekly contributions to our blog. 


“Doing a little shapes math”

From time to time, reality intrudes on our valuable TV watching time, and we realize we can’t cover everything we love. So, we’ve asked some of our friends to step in and help us out when Real Life gets in the way. And today is one of those days. Please enjoy this Trophy Wife post from Mary.

Pete and Kate are at a barbecue joint with the boys where Bert is drenching his corn on the cop with ketchup and Warren is just thrilled Hillary’s not there.

Oh, you think I’m speaking through Warren on that one? NOPE.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love her like a sister, but this booth is so much roomier!”

His enjoyment of Hillary’s absence is interrupted by a text message from a girl named Allie:

“Math sucks, huh?”

Or she could have spelled it all much worse, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. Kate immediately reads way too much into it while Pete just wants to know if anyone remembers when people texted in full, grammatically correct and perfectly spelled sentences. No, Pete. Nobody remembers that because it’s never happened. Do YOU remember T9?

Kate advises that Warren should reply simply “totes” but also wait an hour to create an aura of mystery. Warren’s not too sure (even though he’s the one holding his phone with hands COVERED IN SAUCE, but Pete assures him Kate knows what she’s doing:

“Against all odds, she landed a man 20 years her senior, with a butt that just won’t quit.”

As Kate demures into her drink, Bert loses a tooth into his corn and immediately makes it weird:

“If I suck hard enough I can drink my own blood. I love licking this hole!”

Oh, Show. Children saying inappropriate things is so rarely funny to me, you’re lucky you have Albert Tsai delivering that grossness.

When they call Jackie from the car to let her know (our first tip-off that this family takes tooth-losing a wee bit more seriously than most), they interrupt her at a silence retreat in what is supposed to be a phone-free yurt which sounds like TORTURE so I don’t know why she seems so annoyed.

Back at home while they unpack leftovers from the restaurant, Kate mildly questions Pete’s enthusiasm about this whole affair after he waxes poetic about Jackie getting to play Tooth Fairy for the first time.

“I’m a sucker for body parts. Teeth, toenails, hair, foreskin…no wait, Diane got the foreskin in the divorce.”

And with that, Pete just became about 40% less attractive to me. So. Creepy. I mean, I have a lock of my son’s hair from his first haircut, and I guess I may save ONE tooth if it seems like a reasonable thing to do when he reaches that age, but the only other thing close to that saved from my kid is umbillical cord blood in a secure facility in case of a medical need and that’s where I draw the line. I mean really. TOENAILS? WHAT. WHY.

Bradley Whitford kind of saves it a moment later when he holds up a paper takeout bag that’s given way under a sauce leak and bellows “BAG HOLE! BAG HOLE!!!”

I can’t even tell you why, just the panic with which he yells it is hilarious to me. Plus this shot is great:

Kate hilariously responds, as many of us probably would: “What? What’s a baghole? Are you okay? Is this a stroke?”

No, but Pete wrapped Bert’s tooth in a napkin to bring home and it’s fallen through the BAGHOLE and Pete is NOT HAVING Kate’s suggestion that she would have put it in a container other than a napkin.

Pete: “Wouldya? WOULDJA HAVE?”
Kate, awesomely: “Sure you wanna go with that tone?”
Pete: “Nn-no, I don’t want to go with that tone.”

You’re damn right, Pete. Kate learned how to punish last week. From DIANE.

They decide Kate will check the car while Pete goes back to the restaurant – which is called Mama Saucy’s which I didn’t catch on my first watch and am now IN LOVE WITH.

At Diane’s Hillary is getting ready for her first high school sleepover and she and Diane are in truly rare form, doing things like hiding breakables, making mulled cider, calling pizza “trite”, and squealing over how cool they are. It’s sadly grating but also cute because at least they like each other.

While Kate finds all sorts of grossness in Pete’s car (“Shania Twain CD?!”), Warren comes out for some advice.

Kate: “Where are we at with the sexting?”
Warren: “Oh, no, it’s pronounced ‘texting.'”

I like how they’ve played these moments where Kate is “cooler” than her step-kids rather than the usual trope where parents or step-parents are out of touch because the kids are too cool for them. Allie’s asked if he wants to study together, and Kate dictates another text for him that includes the word “a$$.” There are times when I relate to Diane when it comes to Kate and this was one of them.

Pete strikes out at Mama Saucy’s and enters the next scene at Chez Harrison in a tizzy. Kate’s pouring a glass of wine and replies like the BAMF she is (“a$$” notwithstanding):

Kate: “You rockin’ that tone again?”
Pete: “No, ma’am.”

I don’t really need to talk about the thoughts this gives me, right? Okay. So we’ll just skip over all the tawdry hilarity involving riding crops and black leather and skip to another hint that of Pete’s adherance to the Jeff Winger school of law.

“Law school 101: you’re about to lose a case? Tamper with the evidence.”

Which includes retrieving the BOX OF TEETH (reportedly all belonging to Pete’s children, which we hope is true) from Pete’s dresser to choose one he can pass off as Bert’s when Jackie arrives. I can’t come up with a funny way to say that Pete smells the tooth so I’ll just leave it at, shudder, and move on.

It’s less creepy, somehow, when Jackie smells the tooth just a minute later after Pete gives it to her, but that’s because Jackie’s kind of creepy so it’s not so jarring. Immediately she knows about the ruse because teeth have an identifiable scent? I don’t even get this, but I guess it’s what we’re going with. Anyway Jackie THROWS THE TOOTH IN KATE’S HAIR and takes off with Bert (“Keep your tooth, I’M TAKING THE BOY! BERT! Let’s ride!”) and Kate appropriately panics about the TOOTH IN HER HAIR until Pete gets it out.

Let’s just all take a moment to really let that last paragraph sink in because this whole storyline was WEIRD.

Jackie brings Bert back the next morning… well, she appears, sans Bert, and when Pete asks where he is she freakily replies:

“Bert’s gone, but don’t worry, I replaced him with an old Asian man I keep in a box.”

Michaela Watkins just looks so defeated and like she’s lashing out from grief here, it’s kind of amazing. Let’s not think about the teeth for a minute and just appreciate that. Turns out, Jackie was able, with the aid of some tea, Pinot, a muscle relaxer, a popcorn kernel and white paint, to complete her first evening as Tooth Fairy so it’s all fine really.

… until Bert walks in dressed in full Indiana Jones regalia complete with whip, quoting lines (“Snakes!”) from the movie and wanting to know where Warren is so he can go whip him. Pete apparently planned to show Bert Indiana Jones for the first time on his 10th birthday, which IS a pretty great age for it and would also make for an EPIC backyard birthday party theme (note to self for 8 1/2 years from now).

At Diane’s the sleepover guests have arrived and Hillary answers the door in a silver cocktail dress while Diane welcomes them with a tray of amuse bouches and to call her “Dr. B.”

I have to say, once one of these little jerks snottily says, “…or we could order pizza,” after being offered exquisite homemade appetizers I end up solidly on Hillary and Diane’s side. They go on to suggest watching a movie, and then ignore Diane’s offerings (“both of Cate Blanchette’s ‘Elizabeth’s, and if we want to get really crazy, ‘The Aviator'”) in favor of ‘Spawn of Satan 2.’

Hillary quickly catches on that everyone’s out of their respective depths here and goes to change clothes. Diane offers to make things less formal by simply putting out the charcuterie; “If they want it they can just come get it!” with this cute faux-cool lean against the counter. She’s surprisingly flexible about all this which is pretty refreshing for Diane, and fun to see on Marcia Gay Harden for a change.

Back at Chez Harrison, Pete is not sticking to his agreement with Jackie to call the whole Tooth Fairy/Indiana Jones thing even and is teaching Bert yoga, since Jackie’s been waiting for her swami to come back from his spirit journey before letting Bert try it.


The sleepover guests have literally pulled Diane’s furniture apart, setting themselves up with couch cushions on the floor to watch their horror movie, and totally DON’T show any appreciation when Diane serves them pizza (rude) then pokes holes in the movie plot with medical knowledge (understandable). One of the girls texts all the rest of them – ostensibly something mean about Diane – prompting Hillary to ask Diane to go make them some popcorn and immediately badmouth her once she’s gone.

Let’s not forget who started the night in a cocktail dress hiding valuables, shall we Hil?

Warren is striking out pretty hard with Allie after begging for her hoodie just to give the effect of taking her coat for her, then trying to make showing his work in his math assignment into a sexy catch phrase. Kate sticks her head in to see how things are going and gets Warren to make a horrible excuse to step out for a minute (“I have to go to the bathroom. You know, rumble in the jungle! So it’s probably going to be a while.”) so she can talk him up to Allie.


That goes exactly as well as you’re expecting, ending with:

Kate: “Well, I mean if he was older! And not my step-son… point is, is Warren is a catch. I mean, seriously his bangs are flawless.”

Thankfully Warren comes back then and Kate leaves, looking way too pleased with how that all went.

The sleepover has turned into a “my mom is lame” storytelling party while they wait for Diane to return with the popcorn she’s making for them, and I don’t know about you guys, but by the time I got to high school everybody thought my mom was the best. I felt lame that I didn’t have fast food brought to me during long play rehearsals for like 4 minutes until the girl with the McNuggets exclaimed over my homemade sandwich, chips, and cookie with a mint and napkins thoughtfully included and said she wished her mom would do that for her.

This is why your kids should always be friends with the theater geeks; they’re often nerdy enough to openly appreciate things like that. Hillary hasn’t gotten that memo, though in her defense, Diane was pretty clueless to sit down and start sharing her own lame mom stories with the group.

Hillary sends her a text that says, bluntly: “Can you please go? You’re embarrassing me.” and Diane makes a quick exit.

Pete is thinking of taking Bert on a long weekend trip to Nepal since Jackie’s always wanted to take him, and Kate tells him he should let it go and take the high road.

“I will take the high road. To the low road.”

That doesn’t make any sense. Neither does Jackie showing up just then, I can’t figure out their shared custody schedule at all. They bicker until Kate intervenes to yell at them.

“Pete, you got to watch a tooth fall out, which you weirdly love. Jackie, you got to be Tooth Fairy which combines two of your passions of magic spells and old bones! So who cares if it wasn’t his real tooth?”

Naturally Bert comes in then in time to freak out about the fake tooth, and Warren comes in as well to let Kate know that Allie left, weirded out that Kate basically told her she wants to get with Warren.

See how much better Kate’s getting at parenting?

While Pete and Jackie work on putting out the fake tooth fire (omg that’s probably the kind of magic spell one would do with an old bone isn’t it?), Kate discovers Allie’s left her sweatshirt behind (“Girls don’t forget things by accident!”) and steals his phone and runs away to text Allie about it. Totally normal.

Diane is sitting alone in her gloriously massive bed when Hillary comes in to see her and Diane asks if they’re having fun. Hillary says yes, “but you’re not.”

Diane: “Tonight’s not about me. You’re in high school you should be able to have a sleepover with your friends and not your mom. Go have fun.”

Hillary very sweetly apologizes and turns back before leaving to tell Diane she was totally right about the movie plot holes. It’s the nicest Hillary’s ever been, but it’s also a little strange to see this resolution when it seemed that Hillary was not only on board but the originator of most of the too-formal plans for the party to begin with. It leaves the impression that she changed to please her guests and was a jerk to her mom for not adapting to the about-face quickly enough, not that Diane was being out of touch and needed to back off and let Hillary set the tone for the party.

A better resolution for the way this storyline began would be if Hillary had defended Diane’s efforts as a host and made an effort to get her guests to try all the beautiful food Diane provided for them (and let them know that couch cushions stay on the couch unless otherwise instructed by the homeowner).

We change scenes from Diane’s regally beautiful boudoir to Pete and Jackie rifling through garbage on their hands and knees looking again for Bert’s tooth. They agree, finally, to pass off one of Hillary’s baby teeth from Pete’s Box O’ Teeth to Bert as his own instead of telling him that the tooth fairy isn’t real, which…I don’t see what one has to do with the other. If you’re that committed to lying to your kid, have him write a little note to the tooth fairy explaining that his dad lost the tooth through a BAGHOLE and begging for leniency.

I don’t know, I think all this stuff is dumb. I’ll never tell my kids Santa is real either so I guess I’m really not one to comment on how one should handle this situation.

Pete overhears Kate and Warren in the bathroom (where Kate ran earlier when she nicked Warren’s phone) delivering dialogue about not touching things and experience.

Pete, as he opens the door: “Seriously? What the hell is happening?”

They’re waiting for Allie to text Warren/Kate back and she conveniently does right then. Kate, reading aloud: “‘kk’, ooh, double k, I love this chick, ‘can you drop it off tonight?'”

And so Pete and Kate drive Warren to Allie’s and we start on a montage set to this lovely version of Closer To Fine by the Indigo Girls.

Allie meets Warren at the door and he gives her back her hoodie before haltingly, sweetly kissing her while Pete and Kate watch from the car, googly eyed. Kate tears up and realizes this moment is her baby tooth (Pete), her first standardized test (Diane), her first time hearing her son say he loves Indian food (Jackie). Warren and Allie exchange a few words, hug, and then Warren bounds back to the car.



(The top two, and then the right-hand ones from the middle and bottom rows)

At Diane’s Hillary comes in and kisses her mom goodnight. Diane smiles as Hillary leaves and reaches over for a bite from the little plate of charcuterie on her bedside table.

Jackie tucks Bert in, both happily anticipating his first visit from the tooth fairy.

Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr.

Blessed Be the Day

From time to time, reality intrudes on our valuable TV watching time, and we realize we can’t cover everything we love. So, we’ve asked some of our friends to step in and help us out when Real Life gets in the way. And today is one of those days. Please enjoy this Trophy Wife post from Mary.

“And many mooooore!” Kate and the kids sing to Pete, missing an opportunity for a Community-style “to youuuuu” but it’s in the same spirit.

Pete’s turning fifty tomorrow and Kate is nonplussed at celebrating a day early, but Pete is adamant about it.

“When I was seven, I broke my arm. When I was twenty-four I sold all my Apple shares so I could buy a BowFlex,” and so on. He encourages them all to pick a number, and naturally Warren chooses ninety-two.

It’s okay Warren, you’re gifted in other ways.

The next morning, Meg arrives just after Pete leaves for work to help Kate with her super secret birthday plans.

Meg: “Well, go easy on the surprise. Y’know, for his ticker.”

Kate reminds her, though, that fifty is the new forty, forty is the new thirty, and she herself is thirty, “so basically we’re both thirty.” Meg coolly calls her out on her defensiveness, then excuses herself to grocery shop…

From Kate’s fridge.

“You’re almost out of eggs. You’re out of eggs.”

And she even brought a reusable shopping bag too!

Meanwhile, in the B-plot:


Oh Jackie. How I’ve missed you these long winter months.

The waiting room is Diane’s, and Jackie’s there to get a check from Diane for Pete’s birthday present from the kids. “Since you have two kids and Bert’s sooooo little, you owe two hundo and I owe twenty-five,” for the windchimes the kids picked out with Jackie’s help. Diane, unimpressed, insists they go return the chimes, and an outing is begun!

Back at Chez Harrison, a package arrives for Pete labeled “perishable” and with only the kids there to recieve it, Bert decides they should open it, “I don’t want it to perish!”

It’s lobsters! Sent from a possibly questionable source in thanks for Pete’s services keeping a client out of hot water with the EPA. Awesome. Bert’s just amazed that “You can mail things from the ocean?!”

Being children, they naturally leave the lobster shipping container open as they leave for school, and you *know* that won’t come back to pinch them later.

If the EPA mention wasn’t enough of a tip off, Pete as a full on freak out when his secretary informs him via intercom that there’s a representative from the Department of Justice to see him.

“Just kidding, it’s your wife.”

It’s The Blonde One, in a trenchcoat obviously sans other clothing, announcing her plan that involves something she has to cover by talking about how the wind is blowing outside when she realizes Pete has three other people in his office with him. Hm, I wonder what she could have been talking about?

Diane and Jackie arrive at the store where Jackie bought the huge-ass windchime for Pete, and it looks exactly like the kind of place that sells huge-ass windchimes.

The woman behind the counter – Juniper – tells Diane the item is nonrefundable, and they go through the oldest song and dance in the retail book:

Diane: “I’d like to speak to your manager.”
Juniper: “We don’t believe in titles here. Everyone’s equal.”
Diane: “Well then I’d like to speak with someone else.”
Juniper: “Heaven?”
Heaven: “Blessed be the day!”
Diane: “Okay, I’ll be speaking to you. Give us our money back.”
Random other customer: “Excuse me, I’ve been waiting…”

Okay maybe not *all* of that is exactly like my time working in retail, but the last part is certainly spot on.

Pete, whose birthday is not seeming so cursed right now – there are lobsters at his house as we speak! – rear-ends a cop at a stop sign as Kate outlines Phases One through Three of her plan for his special day. Hint: in one of the phases the aforementioned trenchcoat comes off.

Since it’s Pete birthday, the cop lets him off easy by sending him directly to the DMV to renew his freshly expired license (instead of a trip to the station and a $1000 fine), so he’ll be able to go have a nice birthday lunch with his daughter!

What a nice guy.

Diane and Jackie head to a spa to get a gift certificate where Jackie is greeted by name just like she was at the wind chime emporium (Diane: “Is there nowhere that you are anonymous?”). They’re promptly upsold a massage for themselves, and now it sounds like retail.


The special is for a couple’s massage, which Diane is not okay with, but Jackie’s cool as usual. “Jackie, how are you okay with this? Is every day like this for you? Screw up, misunderstanding, screw up, misunderstanding…?”

I mean, that’s like 90% of all sitcom plots, so it makes sense that Diane wouldn’t like it. I highly doubt Diane watches sitcoms.

Jackie: “If plush robes and free slippers are a scew up then I hope I never get anything right.”

You know, sometimes Jackie’s ditziness is really poignant.

Jackie: “Let’s get squeezy! I am very knotty. And I mean that both ways, bring the pain Oksana!”

Yep, there it is.

Back at home, the kids arrive to find, SHOCK, the lobsters have escaped!

“You gotta think like a lobster!”

That’s really all you need to know.

At the DMV, Kate: “Look on the bright side, you get to have a new license picture without that soul patch on it!” Pete: “Had it for two weeks, it haunted me for ten years.”

But naturally there’s a line to get a number, then a line to get the necessary forms, and then a line to actually get something done, just like there is at every DMV always.

Back at the spa, Jackie is making uncomfortably orgasmic noises and Diane’s muscles “feel like commercial fishing net.” Oh, and Diane is cold and mean. “Your lack of strength is not my fault.”

But Jackie gently calls her on it, reminding her of just how many people she’d been rude to that day, leading up to the piece de resistence: “Don’t you know that old expression that you catch more flies with honey than by being a total bitch?”

“I am not a bitch.”

It devolves from there, Diane ends up calling her masseuse a “jelly-fingered pile of manure” and they get kicked out. Of a spa. Jackie is persistent, and insists that Diane apologize to Juniper. Diane: “What’s done is done.” Jackie: “No Diane, in the New Age community, what’s done is never done. It may not have even happened…”

Pete gets his number called, finally and whips out his glasses to sign his form, thereby landing himself in the line to take a road test in order to renew his license. To the test administrator, who has asked where his vehicle is:

“It’s my birthday, and it’s been terrible. It’s always terrible, everything SUCKS, and then it gets WORSE. I’m telling you man, I am cursed.”


Kate: “Whooo! Happy birthday, baby!”

It’s one of my favorite punchlines the show has done thus far.

Pete awesomely fails to parallel park (“it’s Los Angeles, we have valet”) in the rented Ferrari, and thus continues the curse of the birthday.

The kids have found the lobsters in time for dinner! Yay! But now Bert has realized that the intention is to EAT the lobsters and Warren not-helps by describing how to cook and eat a lobster with surprising accuracy.

Diane apologizes to Juniper, and the exchange is too perfect to not transcribe is full.

Juniper: “You know, I had dreamt of this.”
Diane: “We were only gone a few hours.”
Juniper: “Well I took a nap.”
Diane: “What were you so tired from?” *Jackie elbows her* “Blessed be the day.”

Marcia Gay Harden’s delivery of that last line and the little head bow she does with it are just awesome. I loved this b-plot for a few reasons: the dynamic between Jackie and Diane is nice because they have a rapport in both being Pete’s exes despite their hugely differing personalities. Also, Jackie got to be more than just a ditz in this episode, and Diane didn’t get the “last word” with some withering Diane zinger, she just apologized, bought some windchimes, and that was that. I hope we get more moments like this for each of them, no matter who their storylines are with throughout the rest of the season.

Of course Diane and Jackie then realize that they never did get that gift certificate, but instead of going to the mall during rush hour, they opt to just get him the wind chimes again. Cuuuuuuuuuursed.

Pete and Kate arrive in Phase Two to Phase Three, a hotel with two bars, and one of them only serves water.

I mean. I would think I was cursed if somebody brought me to a bar that only served water too. Pete wants to go home but Kate insists a little too hard, prompting Pete to question her birthday mania.

Pete: “Are you having my mid life crisis?”
Kate: “It’s just so weird! I love going to bed early and getting up early, and drinking at home. And I LOVE pajama pants!”
Pete: “Who doesn’t?”

Word, Pete. Word. They go into the hotel but immediate leave.

Pete: “I think that DJ was two people in one shirt!”

They go to a bar more their speed for a drink before a stop at Paco’s Tacos. Pete chooses a song on the juke box, then CASUALLY GESTURES FOR KATE TO COME DANCE WITH HIM IN HIS SUIT WITH HIS SLIGHTLY UNDONE TIE I may have been having some Whitford problems in that scene nevermind me.

Kate demonstrates why you never do the trenchcoat with nothing underneath trope when Pete spins her and the coat flies open. .They, wisely, head home.

Back at home, It turns out Bert doesn’t know where bacon comes from. Or fish sticks. Or hamburgers.

Warren: “You’ve eaten everything that’s ever been on your pajamas.”

Pete sits down with Bert later (in the tag) to explain some things:

Bert: “Salami?”
Pete: “A pig.”
Bert: “Roast beef?”
Pete: “A cow.”
Bert: “Gyros?”
Pete: “A lamb.”
Bert: “Chicken nuggets?”
Pete: “Uh…a chicken.”
Bert: “Wait, what about hot dogs?”
Pete: “Turkey or beef.”
Bert: “Balogna?”
Pete: “Nobody knows.”
Bert: “I’ll eat balogna!”
Windchimes: New Age chimey chiming.
Curse: Cursed.

Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr.

Favorites of 2013: TV Characters

Merry Christmas (or as Penny from Miranda would say, “Happy What I Call Christmas”) to all of our dear readers who celebrate the holiday. Today is all about characters, so here are our favorite TV Characters of 2013!

Abbie Mills and Jenny Mills

{Sleepy Hollow}


Jenny: Corbin said, that one day, you’d be back. When you were ready. Asked me to find a way to forgive you. I said I didn’t think I could.
Abbie: I’m sorry that it took me so long to find you.

The Mills sisters, despite being estranged for years, manage to make working through their past issues while saving the world look manageable. That they’re quicker witted than their male counterparts is simply a bonus. —Moff

Alice Morgan



Yes, she may be a murderer, but her loyalty to Luther is wonderful. She is an intelligent woman, and she always makes an episode of Luther even better. —Becca

April Ludgate

{Parks and Recreation}


“Leslie said it was a ‘come as you were in the nineties’ party, I assumed it was the 1690s.”

April has slowly grown up over the past few years, and it has become more obvious over this last season. She still has her Keep Away demeanor, but the loyalty she has for her friends is genuine. —Becca

Carlton Lassiter



“I have one speed, and it is full throttle.”

Lassiter is finally a happy and well-adjusted adult, thanks in large part to Juliet and in small parts to Shawn and Gus. He’s more relaxed, open-minded, and willing to compromise than he was when we first met him, and he’s become an even better cop thanks to Shawn forcing him to stay sharp. —Kerry

Diane Buckley

{Trophy Wife}


“Oh, relax, it’s just some light catfishing.”

The wives of Trophy Wife are sort of like the Hogwarts houses: who you relate to says a lot about your personality. Most people seem to favor Jackie, the second ex-wife of leading man Bradley Whitford, but me, I’m a Diane girl through and through. (I’m also a Hufflepuff, if you were wondering.) She clearly loves her kids, but she also wants the best for them. She is passionate but calculating, strong but practical, and above all, she gets stuff done. —Kerry

Donna Paulsen



“If you were ever lucky enough to have me, you wouldn’t want to share.”

This season of Suits did some not-so-great stuff with Donna, but she still came out of it looking classier and stronger than any other character on television. —Kerry

Felicity Smoak



“Never meet your heroes, right?”

It says something about an actor when a one-time appearance turns into a recurring role. It’s even more remarkable when that actor goes from recurring to series regular. The quirky, bright IT girl has won several hearts, saved countless lives, and helps humanize Oliver Queen. —Becca

Jemma Simmons

{Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.}


“I can’t be a part of your bad-girl shenanigans. I like following the rules and doing what’s expected of me. It makes me feel nice.”

When the show started off, the focus was on Fitz-Simmons, but the show gradually began to separate them. Now they are Fitz and Simmons, and Simmons has my heart. The episode “F.Z.Z.T” made me cry (which I hardly do) because of the way Elizabeth Henstridge plays her role. —Becca

Joan Watson



“I think it’s sad that you’ve given up. I think you have a lot to share, if you cared to. I shouldn’t be the only one who knows you.”

Joan Watson set herself apart from traditional representations of the World’s Greatest Sidekick in season one, but she’s quickly becoming the fulcrum around which the show revolves without being anyone’s girlfriend, wife, mother or mistress. That’s nice to see both for Dr. Watson and for a woman in a mostly male ensemble. —Moff

John Diggle



“I’ve been meaning to tell you, it really weirds me out to no end the way you refer to yourself in third person like that.”

Any scene with Diggle in it is a good scene. —Becca

Leslie Knope

{Parks and Recreation}


“No one achieves anything alone.”

It’s difficult to picture a scenario in which Leslie Knope doesn’t top my list of favorite characters. —Kerry

Marcus Bell



Sherlock: “Have you always been this observant? I’m asking that quite sincerely. I was wondering if exposure to my methods had helped you in any way.”
Bell: “Actually, before you came along, I had never closed a case before, neither had the rest of the department. Most of us were thinking of packing up, leaving, letting the city fend for itself.”

Bell is such a great detective that Sherlock has taken to referring to all other detectives as “Not Bell.” Two of my favorite episodes of Elementary are Bell-centric ones (“Details” and “Tremors”) and I always look forward to his one liners to Sherlock. —Kerry

Oliver Queen



“The world doesn’t work anymore. It broke a long time ago, but it was like you were the only one who noticed. That makes you angry, and you’re afraid that that anger is going to burn you up inside if you have to live in the world one second longer knowing that you could do something to fix it.”

Oliver’s really come into his own since Tommy’s death, choosing now to save the city through non-murderous means. He still lives two (sometimes three) lives but now that he’s more removed from Laurel, he’s more three-dimensional and sympathetic. He’s still struggling to trust people, and thanks to the flashbacks to the island, we’re starting to realize why. —Kerry

Robin Scherbatsky

{How I Met Your Mother}


“I’m Sparkles, bitch!”

I love Robin, and I relate to her so much this season. I just wish we didn’t have to see every excruciating hour of her wedding weekend, but hey, that’s not her fault. —Kerry

Rosalee Calvert



Rosalee Calvert may have started as a one-off, but the decision to make her a series regular was inspired: She’s a source of wisdom, knowledge and reason on a show that routinely asks its audience to suspend disbelief. —Moff

Sara Lance



“No woman should ever suffer at the hands of men.”

Sara Lance managed, in a handful of episodes, to make a memorable impression as a variation on a classic comic book character normally inhabited by her sister, Laurel. But Sara made the role of Black Canary her own, and I can’t wait to see her return to Starling City. —Moff

Sarah Manning

{Orphan Black}


“Art, if you’re hearing this, you found a body. It’s not Beth. It’s me. My name is Sarah Manning and you’re about the only person I trust to figure the whole thing out.”

Sarah is the most practical and level-headed of the clones, focused solely on keeping her daughter, Kira, safe. I think she’s my favorite because her main instinct is survival. She’ll do anything to protect the ones she loves. —Kerry

Slade Wilson



“I’m sorry… for not telling you how I really feel.”

Former A.S.I.S. agent, island survivor, unlucky in love, and that accent? What’s not to love?! Kerry

The Cannon

{Back in the Game}


“No, Gannons, we inflict pain, and then we laugh!”

Rude, brash, drunk, and definitely not in touch with his feelings, The Cannon was an oddity on TV this season. There was no one quite like him, because while he said and did all these terrible things, he knows it’s his fault that he’s unhappy. He clearly loves his daughter and grandson, so I’m sad we won’t get to see what happens with them. —Kerry

Tinker Bell

{Once Upon a Time}


“I may have lost my wings, but I haven’t lost my dignity.”

There hasn’t been a whole lot for me to love on this season of Once; I was never a fan of Peter Pan in any of its various forms, so the idea of a whole arc set in Neverland made me wary. I especially dreaded the introduction of Tinker Bell, because I was sure this show would ruin that sort of complex female character. While this Tink has a backstory firmly entrenched in the Enchanted Forest, she still manages to be the best side character to join the show this season. The actress who plays her, Rose McIver, deserves most of the credit. —Kerry

Later today… Our favorite supporting characters from movies!

“The one with the dead eyes is Diane!”

From time to time, reality intrudes on our valuable TV watching time, and we realize we can’t cover everything we love. So, we’ve asked some of our friends to step in and help us out when Real Life gets in the way. And today is one of those days. Please enjoy this Trophy Wife post from Mary.

We open with a tracking shot of ornaments floating in a pool, Breaking Bad style.

Remnants of a lovely tree – perhaps balsam, perhaps fir, but we’ll never know because it is a wee bit on fire – float atop the aqua water . . . an overturned cooler beside the pool . . . Kate passed out on a patio chaise, rocking red leather leggings and wrapped around a giant nutcracker figure with a beer can affixed to one of its hands . . . in through the open french doors of Chez Harrison past a piecemeal snowman with a packing peanut body, pasta server hands, and a vaguely horrifying face made of a white plastic bowl with unidentifiable gunk for the nose . . . Pete falling off his perch on the back of the couch and half dressed in a Santa costume complete with a beard of white ringlets, his fall disturbing a blue toy car to roll along the floor which leads us to the kitchen island . . . where Jackie (who else do they know who could pull off that awesome dress and boots for a Christmas party?) is stretched out like a murder victim on her stomach with her head hanging into the sink . . . around to the living room where – THERE’S A WOLF ALERT A WOLF IS EATING OFF THE COUNTER INCHES FROM JACKIE’S HEAD, but it abandons its snack to trot over and lick Diane, bedded up on some couch cushions on the floor with a wrapping paper blanket like a merry rich lady hobo.

Diane’s squawks at being awoken BY A WOLF wake Pete and Kate who wonder aloud, “Why am I in a Santa suit?!” and “Why is there a DOG in here?!” respectively. A barista would know the difference between a dog and wolf, probably, don’t you think? Diane doesn’t know why the “dog” is there, neither Kate nor Diane know why Diane is there, and nobody knows why Jackie is missing her eyebrows.

Enter the kids to this horrow show, and cue credits!

The kids quickly abandon the wolf-and-hungover-adult-infested house to go mourn their Christmas tree during its viking’s funeral in the pool outside, and the adults gather ’round to discuss what they remember. Jackie had eyebrows, Kate was making drinks (Diane: “Isn’t that what you do every day?”) and, cue flashback!

12 hours ago:

Kate displays her mixology skills to Bert (“Van Nuys Institute of Mixology, best two weeks of my life.” Bert: “That’s where I want to go!”) as Pete comes in from a trip to the mall which is reason enough for anyone to decide drugs are the answer. He’s also non-plussed by their neighbor Helene’s kajillion watt Christmas light display and three nativity scenes. Kate’s education included “glog,” a Swedish mulled wine, of which she has made a large Crockpot full to share with Jackie and Diane. Pete’s not thrilled she’s upset the very strict holiday rotation, but Kate insists family should be together on Christmas.

Back in the present, Jackie and Diane both accuse Kate of getting them liquored up so she could stay up and try on their shoes – Louboutins and moccasins, respectively, and I’ll let you guys puzzle out which are whose).

Flachback: Jackie loves glog (who wouldn’t?) and informs us that “pronto” is Italian for “arriba arriba,” with a wink, snap, and finger guns. This might have been glog-induced, or it could just be Jackie, there’s no telling.

Kate is thrilled, since she grew up without nice Christmases, and Pete seems to have a moment with that information. Malin plays these little moments so nicely, with the same guilessness Kate has in her bubblier moments too. Diane is building a “Frank Lloyd Wright, gluten free, and structurally sound” gingerbread house, and Warren and Hillary drop an unsubtle hint that they want a dog for Christmas. What about Horndog? I guess Bert hoards him. I would too if I had a dog as horny as that (watch the pilot guys!)

Jackie and Bert are celebrating all the winter holidays, which means “this week is about Jesus’ birthday, eight days of oil, the attainment of Nirvana, and black people being awesome!” Albert Tsai in this Christmas sweater, you guys.

After they put the kids to bed though, things get fuzzy and stories start to diverge:



But Diane DID fall, Jackie thought it was hilarious, and nobody could pronounce “glog.” Back in the present, Diane again accuses Kate of essentially roofieing them, so Kate gets out the empty wine bottle to prove her innocence. Conveniently, Diane produces an empty Absinthe bottle that literally has Kate’s name on it. Before they can puzzle that one out the kids come in complaining that the dog chewed through Bert’s desk and asking for their presents.

Come on, do you guys really think there’s a neat pretty pile of presents sitting untouched in the corner where the tree that is now ON FIRE IN THE POOL once stood? Pfft.

Upon returning from a commercial break, presents still haven’t been found, but that’s okay, Hillary’s going to snottily dismiss the kids from the scene. Kate finds a box of shredded paper and Jackie remembers that Kate said she needed it for her “winter wonderland.” They follow a trail of paper shreddings outside to Pete’s office where it turns out that Kate’s winter wonderland is made of Pete’s case against a botanical garden.

Off Pete’s righteous indignation over who would do such a thing, we flashback to Pete in his office with Jackie, shredding said paperwork. He’s raging against the machine of consumerism and the denial of climate change and basically being everything Britta Perry could want in a father figure. Just imagine if Pete had met Jackie first and Britta Perry was their daughter, guys. Just . . . imagine.

We’re interrupted from that crossover daydream by Helene, world’s best neighbor, inquiring about her Marys . . . who are having a “friggin’ adorable” (Jackie) tea party in the Harrison’s breakfast nook. Big surprise, Jackie was the culprit here, and she explains that she took them because they’re clearly “Kate, me, and the one with the dead eyes is Diane!” Helene is just horrified that the Mothers of Our Lord were eating jalapeno poppers (um, because they’re delicious? DUH), whch tips Kate off that where there was barfood, there was certainly Meg.

Meg, on the phone, turns out to have given the Absinthe to Kate, as is their tradition, but says she didn’t open it. She did however come over the night before to find Kate, Jackie, Pete and Diane doing a profoundly drunk rendition of Ace of Base’s “I Saw The Sign.”


Meg: “Not here.”

But as it turns out, Meg did see Diane outside:

“I’ll pick you the finest chestnuts, Papa!”


If this is not the origin story of a Disney villain, I don’t know what is.

Also it turns out Meg got a wee bit attacked by the wolf currently licking Diane’s neck and is now spending her Christmas in the ER. Poor Meg!

Having suddenly realized that the “dog” is proooooobably a wild animal, Diane sends it outside, and Hillary and the kids appear for more complaining. Kate tries to redirect them that there’s more to Christmas that presents (finally), but Jackie interrupts that THERE IS A DEAD LADY IN THE BATHTUB.

Of course there is.

It’s Phyllis, AKA Mrs. Steinberg, Warren’s teacher, and she’s just asleep.

Jackie: “I knew she wasn’t dead either, but I really wanted attention.”

And Jackie’s back to being my spirit animal again.

Post-commercial break, Mrs. Steinberg is totally comfortable wrapped in a bedsheet, no robe needed, Kate. She came by the house dressed as Santa, caroling with her women’s church group, and dumped them ASAP when Kate invited her in for a drink. Naturally Kate decided she needed an elf, which meant Kate and Diane had to pluck Jackie’s eyebrows (Jackie: “Make sure you get it right because the eyebrows are the curtains to the windows of the soul.”)


Kate decides they’ve made the perfect Christmas moment and they have to take a picture together. She knocks over the Menorah with the tripod, and while Meg and an already sheet-wrapped Phyllis are on the couch being frightened of the wolf, the tree goes up in flames. Everything’s coming together, guys!

The wolf bites Meg, Pete enters in the Santa suit and takes charge, dragging the flaming tree to the pool. Then we find out that the whole reason Pete had the Santa suit to begin with was to preserve Bert’s childlike wonder at the magic of Christmas for just a little bit longer. Aw! Such a wholesome sentiment from such an Absinthe-addled mind!

Back in the present they kick Phyllis out, and the kids reappear to harp about their presents some more. But Pete reminds them that while they can’t technically remember the night before, they have many wonderful memories of the current day they’ve managed to survive without being attacked by wolves or getting any paper cuts from Kate’s winter wonderland.

Later in front of the fire, all snuggled and hungover like family is supposed to be, there wafts across them the smell of burning plastic. Turns out Pete-as-Santa tossed all the presents down the chimney. Bert’s still happy he got the bike he wanted even if it’s partially mangled, since he was a good boy all year for doing things like helping Kate make her drink last night by adding the bottle of green stuff with a flourish that will make a name for him at the Van Nuys Institute of Mixology for sure.

Merry Happy everybody!

Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr.


From time to time, reality intrudes on our valuable TV watching time, and we realize we can’t cover everything we love. So, we’ve asked some of our friends to step in and help us out when Real Life gets in the way. And today is one of those days. Please enjoy this Trophy Wife post from Mary.

We open with Bradley Whitford in a bathtub so you know I’m intrigued.

Sadly, he’s sick, but he slept in the bathtub so he wouldn’t keep Kate up with his coughing, which is pretty damn considerate – even considering how luxurious that tub looks. Pete has to chaperone Warren’s field trip, but Kate insists he stay home so she can go in his place.

Kate: “You could wipe out an entire class of sophomores.”
Pete: “Nobody cares about sophomores.”

Ain’t that the truth?

But Pete had a nefarious secret reason for letting Kate go in his place: Diane’s also chaperoning the field trip. Kate’s quick on her feet though and calls “a healer” to come tend to Pete’s fever.

Kate: “I see your Diane and I raise you a Jackie.”

As Kate and Warren are on their way to the field trip, naturally the conversation turns to Kate complaining about Diane to Warren, which is not her classiest move. Warren feels her pain though: “You’re worried about her making you feel stupid aren’t you?” Aren’t we all?

Warren suggests that his mom simply needs to “get some” so she can relax, and after a brief miscommunication it’s revealed that Warren thought “get some” meant “get some chips! A blanket! Whatever makes you happy! Fill in the blank!” I mean, chips and a blanket would make most people happy… right? He’s not wrong. Scarred, Warren ends up agreeing that his mom probably does need to get laid.

At Chez Harrison – inexplicably, since Warren is already on his way to his field trip and one would think they should be at school already – Bert is worried about a note from his teacher reprimanding him for “interrupting class with excessive silliness.” Harsh! Excessive silliness turns out to include Bertwheels; “cartwheels, but with screaming.” It also turns out Hillary had his same teacher and offers to help him out.

Meanwhile, Jackie administers her greenish-brown liquid remedy for Pete’s illness:

Jackie: “So here’s the deal, cool? This is gonna go in you one hole or another.”
Pete: “I choose mouth.”

Thank God.

– which includes a mandatory pupil check after an hour so she can be sure she used the right kind of mushrooms.

Diane is, predictably, way overdoing chaperoning, though I can’t disagree that letting Jacob feel up a dinosaur would have probably put a damper on the day at the museum, so good job putting him on the early bus home, Diane.

Kate hilariously segues from that story: “speakin’ of feelin’ up,” but before she can get too far, Pete calls her on the house phone, panicked that a suddenly menacing Jackie has stolen his cell.

Jackie locks him in the bedroom, turns off the TV and takes away his “electronic book.” This is where she loses me. Also, she swaddles her ex-husband in his blankets like an infant and baby-talks to him, so let’s just say Jackie was not as much of my spirit animal as usual this week.

Warren, fully roped into Kate’s matchmaking mission, finds a perfectly nice lesbian for his mom, but, oops, she’s not a man, that’s just her haircut. Then we notice the Allstate Insurance Guy with the deepest voice in the creation and the world stops turning every time he speaks. It’s seriously distracting. But he uses hand sanitizer before he eats, tucks his napkin into his collar, and intones “walk please” to some hooligans running by, all unknowingly in unison with Diane sitting a few tables away in the museum cafeteria, so Kate runs over to introduce herself.

(I SWEAR when RussBradleyMorrison introduces himself and Kate mentions whose dad he is she refers to the kid as “Gravy Ross Morrison.” Back off guys, Kerry claimed the baby name Gravy like 3 years ago in one of her Community blog posts (or on Twitter? I forget, but it happened.)) {It’s true, I did, after Pierce proclaimed “Gravy Jones” to be the ultimate “fat girl name.” And I can’t believe that you remember I did that. –Kerry}

After lunch, Diane snootily corrects the docent and fends off Kate’s further matchmaking attempts: “Is all the world a sex club to you?”

I mean… in a way isn’t all of LIFE just kind of a sex club? This episode is making me ask a lot of questions tonight.

Pete is going to go to the doctor, but Jackie assures him he’s not in any shape to drive.

Pete: “You said the smoothie was herbal.”
Jackie: “It waaaas, buuuuut I put an assload of codeine in your tea.”

Then we get some Whitford thigh as he falls to the floor, both legs in one leg of his jeans, and Michaela Watkins gets the enviable job of dragging him back into the bed. Get it, sister.

Bert, oh poor underused Bert, how is your storyline going kiddo? Hillary gave him all sorts of advice to con his teacher into letting him go to recess again. So Bert’s trying to follow Hillary’s example, but he’s a seven year old so he ends up telling his teacher she looks “as old as you did this morning!” instead of saying that she hasn’t aged a day since she was Hillary’s teacher. He does offer her homemade cupcakes, and half his cream-cheese-and-jelly sandwich, but that’s when the jig is up.

Miss Wickershim: “You don’t have to be such a suck up.”
Bert: “What’s a suck up?”
Miss Wickershim: “Your sister.”


Miss Wickershim: “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Oh honey, we’ve all been thinking it.

Naturally, Bert tells Hillary about this exchange when he gets home later, and she goes to see Miss. Wickershim “to give her a piece of my mind! …And this apple.” Okay, that was cute.

The museum has a super sexy orchid pavillion, where Kate is spying as RussBradleyMorrison sensuously comments on Diane’s pantsuit. Then they makeout – FOR REALS! Get it, Diane! Kate of course can’t help but reveal herself, at which point Diane claims she doesn’t even know RussBradley, and he retorts the best retort to ever tort:

“I am not a cheap museum booty call.”


Later, when Kate confronts her about it, Diane has a rare moment of vulnerability (couched in disdain, naturally) that Marcia Gay Harden plays beautifully.

“Let me spell something out for you, Kate. I succeed at everything I do. I have one failure: my marriage. I keep this relationship private, because . . . it’s my business.”

The scene gets pinned with the runner of Diane assuming Kate was a barista, which had its best moment when Diane, corrected by Kate, replies: “No? I thought you had a job…”

Pete, now fully under codeine’s spell, finds a Jerry Maguire-ian women’s group (“G.O.A.L.s! Goal-Oriented Adult Lady s. GOALS! We’re basically a business support group of women of a certain age who haven’t gone through menopause yet.”) meeting in his living room.

Pete: Do any of you people have jobs?!

Pete starts to lose it a little, and grabs a chair he hilariously drags along in front of him like a walker as he wobbles threateningly towards the G.O.A.L.s:

“You-You wanna know my goal? I want all of you out of my house in ten seconds. Or I’m gonna sneeze, scratch, cough, wheeze, and LICK every one of you.”


Hillary confronts her former teacher with a speech that’s made me like her more than anything else she’s done on this show, so I’m transcribing it in its entirety:

“This will only take a minute, Nancy. At first I was offended that you called me a suck up. But on the ride over here I realized something: what you call a suck up, I call a go-getter. So I am going to keep go-getting, because it is going to go-get me places. First, it’s going to go-get me into college, and then it’s going to go-get me into law school, and then! Finally it’s going to go-get me a job clerking for Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, so suck up on THAT!”

And then she gives her the apple. It’s organic.

Back, still, at the museum, Kate puts Diane’s eavesdropping to the test by staging an inspirational talk with Warren within earshot. Warren, sweetly, takes it to heart. I love that kid. Diane then interrupts the movie they later gather to watch in the museum theater (“Math: The Building Block of Space”) to announce that RussBradleyMorrison is tooooootally in her sex club (though not in so many words.)

Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr.

Licemageddeon 2013

From time to time, reality intrudes on our valuable TV watching time, and we realize we can’t cover everything we love. So, we’ve asked some of our friends to step in and help us out when Real Life gets in the way. And today is one of those days. Please enjoy this Trophy Wife post from Mary.

This post contains spoilers for the most recent episode of Trophy Wife, “Lice and Beary White.”

Possibly my favorite part of Kate’s storyline in this episode was the brief opener where she’s struggling to learn “Danger Zone” on an electric guitar with a You Tube video titled: Yevgeny Teach You Guitar! She’s interrupted by a call from Bert’s school (“Hello?…Yes, this is Bert’s stepmom…no, the blonde one.”) letting her know that Bert has…(dun dun DUN!) LICE.

“Nobody move, nobody touch, nobody sit, everybody listen to me and we’ll get through this. Now strip,” Diane orders when she meets everyone at Chez Harrison for Licemageddeon 2013. Kate is not keen on Diane taking over, but she is the only one who speaks up (I’m looking at you, Pete.)

“Before you even got here, I was kinda runnin’ this bitch!” Kate chirps adorably, and it all devolves from there.



The storyline of Diane taking over and Kate whining about it has been played out before more than once, so not only was it not a new dynamic to explore, it made both Kate and Diane look bad. Kate gets passive-aggressively butthurt that Diane is taking over and Diane is demeaning and abrasive. Kate and Jackie team up to teach Diane a lesson, but their plan backfires pitting Kate against Diane, which leads to a fairly half-hearted resolution. Frankly, this storyline bugged me for the aforementioned reasons, so I don’t have a ton to say about it. Diane should be more respectful, and Kate should be more assertive. Even Jackie’s side-switching left me cold, which, it’s *Jackie* and we all know how much I love her.

So let’s talk about Warren and Bert and Pete, yes?

As Pete strips Warren’s bed, revealing a piece of pizza (“Aw, come on…pineapple?”), he also finds a long-“lost” white teddy bear. “Beary White” was Warren’s much loved teddy bear whom he allowed Bert to adopt in a changeover ceremony involving a walkabout and a rebirthing, but as it turns out Warren didn’t find himself pleased with his other options once Beary was no longer his.


“He’s aliiiiiive, I prayed and it came true!” Bert wails in gratitude when Warren presents Beary White to him. But when the boys can’t decide who will keep the bear now, Pete decides to play judge and have them plead their cases in a custody hearing, because those always promote cooperation and goodwill.

Warren’s argument is pretty air-tight: “Fact: I had him first. Fact: I named him Beary White. Fact: although Bert made a big deal about it when he lost him, I don’t think he really cared that much.”

I think maybe Warren needs “fact” on one of his vocabulary flashcards. Bert objects on the grounds that those actually aren’t all facts, Judge Dad makes a note of it, and Warren is allowed to conclude his impassioned argument.

Warren: “I was under address!”

Pete: “You mean…under durress?”

Warren: “Yeah, that too.”

Ryan Lee’s delivery is just absolutely guileless, it’s very sweet. It kinda makes me feel bad for him when Bert so thoroughly rebuts with:

“Fact: Warren stole Beary White. Fact: stealing is wrong. Fact: Warren is wrong!”

Complete with an Annie-Edison-esque smack to the desk on his last point. Warren’s not having it though.

Warren: “Anyone can do that! Fact: I’m hungry! Fact: I want a cookie! Fact: I AM A COOKIE!”

Bert: “You’re not a cookie.”

Warren: “I can be whatever I want to be!”

Oh Warren. So close.

Pete, rightly stumped on how to rule, tells the boys a Bible story; “Do you guys know about the judgement of Solomon?” “Is that a video game?” “No.” “Then no.”

But Warren and Bert are perfectly happy to have Beary White cut in half, which freaks Pete right out (“I’m doin’ it! I’M CUTTIN’ THE BEAR! What is WRONG with you two?!”) and he leaves them to wrestle over poor Beary White yet again. But they come to him later having reached an agreement on split custody. Pete’s proud of their lawyer-like settling skills, but the boys aren’t similarly impressed:

Bert: “Is this what you do all day?”

Pete: “Yeah, I am…wasting my life.”

Warren: “Sounds like a real waste of time.”

Pete: “I’m…not proud of it.”

Jeff Winger would be horrified.

Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr