“It’s 10 quid a month but it’s worth every shilling.”

From time to time, reality intrudes on our valuable TV watching time, and we realize we can’t cover everything we love. So, we’ve asked some of our friends to step in and help us out when Real Life gets in the way. And today is one of those days. Please enjoy this Trophy Wife post from Mary.

**This post contains spoilers for the Trophy Wife episode “The Wedding: Part 1″**

Pete’s worst nightmare is coming true, y’all: Kate’s leaving him! Or at least that’s his first assumption when he comes home to find Kate flinging all his stuff out of the garage.

Never fear though, she’s just doing some cleaning! Pete’s Turkey Trot shirt has got to go, even though Kate is currently wearing a “Kiss me, I’m Canadian” shirt.

“This shirt makes sense: I’m Canadian, you had your intern run the Turkey Trot and then you took the t-shirt.”

Diane shows up in a surgical mask to remind Kate that cleaning a garage is basically non-stop inhalation of particulated rodent poop so have fun ever cleaning your garages ever you guys! She brought enough masks for the kids though. But only the kids.

Jackie pops up too to let Pete know that Sad Steve (played by Nat Faxon) and she are still a thing and will also be having a little grown up sleepover so if he’s late to work the next day, please Pete, be sure to think about your ex wife having sex with him. Because that’s been happening. Bert doesn’t know, though, which Pete objects to.

“If you really like Steve you should tell Bert. If he’s mature enough to day trade he’s mature enough to know you’re dating.”

Diane objects with an over-share about her own relationship stress, but that’s yet to come.

Post credits, Kate has found Pete’s old wedding videos (and a copy of Uncle Buck, which she tossed somewhere off screen saying only “yes please” so we’re not sure entirely if that was a keep or not. Come on Kate. Do the right thing, I believe in you) and is popping one in the VCR at Meg and Tevin’s place.

Kate: “Why do you still have a VCR?”
Tevin: “Because technology is cyclical. Think about fire. People are using it again.”

Diane and Pete’s wedding took place out doors, Diane had an AMAZING headpiece thing with her veil, Pete’s hair was INSANE (think early seasons Uncle Jesse from Full House, except fluffier and more womanly), and the tuxedos all had Nehru collars.

Diane finishes off her vows by calling Pete “my perfect imperfection,” (yikes), Kate jumps to fast-forward their kiss, and so we skip ahead to their first dance, during which the DJ has to ask people to stop watching the OJ Simpson car chase coverage on a TV in the corner.

Kate: “Oh. I always thought Pete married Diane because he was too afraid to break up with her. They kinda look . . . happy.”

Meg’s unimpressed but Tevin tears up like the weirdo he is.

We cut to Diane and Russ Bradley Morrison watching some hot hot classic paliamentary debate on BBC on demand, on the phone with each other, each snuggled up in their near-identical giant beds (with amazing upholstered headboards).

Russ: “It’s 10 quid a month but it’s worth every shilling.”

Diane brings up out of nowhere that maybe they should stop sneaking around and be open about their relationship which I thought already happened at the end of the last episode they were in but I guess that was only with whoever was on that field trip? Apparently they’ve been dating for 2 years, according to Russ, because he’s been waiting that long for her to say something to this effect.

Back to Kate, Meg, and Tevin watching Jackie and Pete’s wedding tape. Also outside, but this one looks like it’s on a beach, and Jackie’s vows include the line: “our spirits align as perfectly as our genitals.”

Natalie Morales is making the most AMAZING faces throughout all these scenes, it’s delightful. Pete’s goatee, longish hair, (Tevin: “The guy canNOT make a bad hair decision!”) and white embroidered shirt make him look like a Shakespeare impersonator on location in Baja, and he serenades Jackie with The Bangles’ Eternal Flame while accompanying himself on a bongo drum.

Tevin, obviously developing a mancrush, asks Kate what her wedding to Pete was like, at which point we find out that Kate and Pete had a courthouse wedding. Meg helpfully shows a cell phone picture of the window in the hallway of the courthouse where the ceremony took place.

Meg: “We had huge sandwiches afterwards and I successfully contested a speeding ticket.”

I mean, I’m all about huge sandwiches, let’s be real. Tevin’s not impressed though.

Tevin: “Where’s the romance?!”
Kate: “We made out in the parking lot after! I mean we were gonna go all the way but we were just so full from the sandwiches so…we didn’t.”

Poor Kate gets mocked by Pete’s horrible falsetto on the video for another second before she shuts it off.

Jackie is rushing Sad Steve out of her house after their “FULL VOLUME SEXTACULAR” and shoves a bagel in his hand so he can carbo-load to recover. Bert walks in just then, home from Hebrew school, and wondering who this man in his house is. Jackie feeds him a lie about Steve being a bagel delivery guy, so the poor guy has to give the bagel back!

Steve: “Here you go… madam. One single bagel. No bag, no napkin, PER your request-“

But Bert’s onto him and when Steve can’t answer what’s in an everything bagel Jackie puts the kibosh on it but it’s too late. Bert has smelled weakness.

Now time for the best scene of the episode!

It’s evening now and Kate is working on the garage again when Pete comes out to find her. After a bit of small talk about a truly disturbing stool with boots for feet, Kate asks Pete if he liked their wedding.

“Yeah of course. Remember I got that great parking space, and we had those big sandwiches at that place that burned down?”

Oh this is just more depressing by the minute.

Kate: “I just watched your old wedding videos and they were terrible and beautiful and…you waltzed, you played the bongos, and OJ!”

This could have easily gone to a pretty shrieky place, with Kate stomping her foot, or getting really complainy, but Malin Akerman’s delivery is just gorgeous. She’s on the verge of tears, genuinely awed at having seen a side of her husband she’s never known before, and full of sadness at an opportunity that feels like it’s been lost. Bradley Whitford’s FACE thoughout this scene too, you guys. It deserves the capslocks. It’s obvious that he immediately picks up on where she’s going, even as he jokes that he’s sorry she had to see him singing, and in a goatee. He affirms how happy he is with her, and Kate agrees and starts to leave with a dismissive, “ugh, I’m being such a girl.”

But just as she’s walked past him a light comes on, red light from some Christmas lights, and when Kate turns around Pete’s on one knee.

Pete: “Kate, will you marry me? … again? … in front of people?”

YOU GUYS. THEIR FACES. They might be the most shippable married couple on TV right now. They have such a lovely chemistry, and Malin is so good in being vulnerable in these scenes, and Bradley is LA WHITFORD and it all just works so well. She laughs happily and says yes (of course), they kiss, and she helps Pete up – he thinks he pulled a hammy – and we go to commercial.

It’s lovely. VHS-worthy, even.

Would you believe we’re only at the first act break? When we come back Kate and Meg have begun wedding planning, with Kate at her laptop and Meg poring over wedding magazines.

Meg: “Who would spend $200 on a dress they’re only going to wear once? … oh f— me, that’s just the shipping!”

They bleep (and pixellate even though you can barely see her mouth as she’s bent over the magazine) out the bad word and it’s like a million times funnier than if it were a cleared-for-network version.

Pete, in another really great sweater by the way, comes in and Kate pulls him over to show him a video of Miss Piggy and Kermit’s wedding as an example of the “spirit” she wants. Meg says “yeah” or maybe “yuck,” and Pete breaks into a super affectionate smile and everybody’s so happy yay! Pete’s especially happy since he’ll actually get a say in this wedding unlike his first two, which means honoring his Scottish heritage with kilts!

Diane and Jackie arrive with the kids and Diane pulls Kate aside to clarify that Kate is the only one who knows about her relationship with Russ Bradley Morrison, to announce to her that she’s one level up from complete strangers in finding out that they’re going public, and to congratulate her on her redundant wedding. Marcia Gay Harden really saves this character, you guys. I didn’t realize how horrible those lines truly were until I summarized them just now, and it’s because of her delivery.

Diane deuces out, and Pete calls a family meeting to ask Bert and Warren to be his best men, aw! They’re thrilled, and Kate immediately asks Hillary and Meg to be her co-maids of honor! They’re not thrilled. To hilarious effect.

Meg: “Since I’m your best friend, maybe it would be best if I just took the lead on this.”
Hillary: “Since I have never declared bankruptcy, it might make sense for me to run point.”

Diane is practicing her archery on a compound bow because of course she is. Russ Bradley Morrison shows up with a quip:

RBM: “Looks like someone just won the Hunger Games.”
Diane: “Hahaha, you and your fiction!”

It’s SO CUTE even though they are kind of insufferable. Turns out she got him there on a somewhat misleading text message, and he thought “meet me in the park for target practice” meant they were going to get “randy” (which as I’m typing it out now has WAY dirtier connotations than I realized at first). But he’s got this big classy picnic basket full of homemade cranberry scones and soft cheeses that need to be consumed within the hour and Diane’s apparently too into her practice to take a break for homemade scones (rude), so they decide to try for a real date at the opera. Too bad they can’t agree on where to sit.

At Pete’s office, Warren and Bert are modeling their kilts for the wedding (adorable), and Pete’s speaking with a Scottish accent (yes please), when Bert sees Sad Steve AKA Bagel Boy. He makes up a lie about delivering a hole puncher which Bert kind of silently snarls at. Albert Tsai’s face is just grand.

Kate’s brought her CoMoHs with her to turn in the forms to change her name

Hillary: “Meg, have you done anything for the bridal shower?”
Meg: “Yes I have, Dorkatron. I see your high tea and raise you this bag of novelty penises.”

She pulls out this huge multicolor light up pixellated dildo and it is, again, hilariously awesome.

Apparently Kate’s kept her maiden name of Walrus (pronounced “Valroose”, sure) up to now because… for reasons? I prefer my maiden name to my married name, but my maiden name wasn’t one that would be so easily mispronounced. Anyway the guy at the window gets it:

“We recieved your request and we can’t can’t grant you a name change from your…zoo animal name to a normal name. According to our records you’re in the country illegally.”

Dun dun DUN!

That’s really all the explanation we get, even though Kate counters that she applied for her visa when she got married to Pete a year ago. So now we run with the “prove it’s not a green card marriage” storyline! There will be an INS agent at Chez Harrison forthwith to determine the legitimacy of Kate and Pete’s marriage.

Meanwhile Bert and Jackie are hula hooping in their living room when Bert finally pushes Jackie over the edge into admitting she and Sad Steve are dating. Sadly they don’t both keep hula hooping throughout the whole scene because that would have been even better.

Kate takes a call from Diane (there are a TON of scene changes in this episode holy cow) who is now in an anxiety spiral about her relationship, and she defensively spirals a bit with some insults while Kate tries to reassure her. It’s a short phone call because then Pete comes in dressed “like the counselor at a fat camp,” putting a bunch of framed photos of him and Kate around the living room.

Pete: “They’re gonna grill us like we’re on the Newlywed Game and the consolation prize is Canada. This is a regular guy who does not have two ex-wives and a hot young wife that he bought on the internet.”
Kate, immediately on board: “Yep, right, trick the government with costumes.”

Warren, now in Braveheart-style blue face paint along with his kilt, has looked up his family tree to find out their family tartan (so I guess the current kilts are just practice kilts) but it turns out they’re Flemish!

Warren: “Where in Scotland is Flem?”
Hillary: “Belgium, Braveheart!”
Warren: “We’re from Belgium?!”
Hillary: “How are you going to tell Dad?”
Warren: “I don’t know! It’ll crush him! The men get married in PANTS there!”

Pete comes in to instruct the kids that if the INS agent asks them questions they should just repeat “can’t recall” which seems super unsuspicious, and when Warren quotes Braveheart to him he tells Warren to wash off the facepaint and go sit quietly in the garage. Also totally normal. But it’s what they’re going with because the INS agent is here! Kate appears in overalls and a shlubby hoodie toting laundry, twanging “How do!” and blathering a bunch of nonsense about Pete going to his mancave to watch football and how they’ve been married forever.

Pete, under his breath and possibly actually serious: “Bigger, Kate. She’s not buyin’ it.”

I just really love these two.

The INS agent asks them things like how long they’ve been living together, which side of the bed they sleep on (Both: “Left.” Kate: “We spoon…” Pete: “LOVE that.” Good lord you two.), how much Pete’s weekly paycheck is, and whether the microwave is stationary or has a revolving plate. Their nervousness has them tied for one “I don’t know” each when we zip over to Jackie’s.

Sad Steve has arrived and Bert answers the door, suspicious as hell. He even refuses to give Steve one of the butterscotches they keep in the bowl by the door for guests and now I want a butterscotch so bad. Like Sad Steve, I’m also out of luck because Bert is not amused.

Sad Steve: “You know for a long time people called me Sad Steve. But ever since I met your mom I’ve been so happy now people call me Steve. Just Steve.”
Bert, proffering a handfdul of butterscotches: “I’m sorry you life has been so sad. Maybe you should get a fish! Goodbye!”

Mic drop, door slam, and Steve has been re-Sad-ed. He sits in his car in the driveway and explains to Jackie how it all went down. Her advice is pretty stellar:

Jackie: “Know what might help you feel better? Complimenting my braid.”

It’s a pretty sweet braid though, let’s be real. It looks like a chocolate cinnamon role all nestled on the side of her head. Bert comes out of the house, immediately taken with Sad Steve’s awesome little red convertible. Steve lets him push the button to put the top up (Bert: “Awesome!” Jackie: “Like my braid!” IT’S SO FUNNY YOU GUYS) and it seems a friendship is underway.

Predictably, things are beginning to fall apart at Chez Harrison. Diane shows up still in a funk over her RBM relationship issues, wanting to divide her Nova DVDs with Pete since they never did during the divorce. Jackie bursts in with Bert and bagels to celebrate her new official relationship status with Steve (ostensibly no longer Sad…for now) and Bert announces:

“We’re officially a threesome!”

Warren (face still painted, practice kilt still on) comes in with Hillary to announce that “our whole lives have been a lie.” Meg shows up to let Hillary know the chichi hotel she chose for the high tea bridal shower won’t let them play PIn The Junk On The Hunk, and the INS lady cuts in, hilariously,

“Sir, exactly how many women are living here?”

Pete answers this one right as the din increases and then Kate hauls off and yells for everyone to stop. She points out that Hillary loves to boss people around and Meg loves debauchery, thus delegating their respective portions of MoH responsibility. Pete assures Warren that while their blood may be Belgian, their legs belong on the Scottish highlands and no I really can’t go into describing the high leg Captain Morgan pose thing he does, I just need to go away for a minute and not think about my feelings. “We are gonna rock those kilts baby.” Warren’s overjoyed. Kate tags in again, telling Diane to not be afraid to call her “…patient” in a sweet bid to preserve Diane’s privacy as long as she’d like. Diane excuses herself to make a phone call and the INS lady has seen enough.

“This is clearly not a marriage of convenience because nothing about it is convenient.”

Kate and Pete do the DUMBEST happy dance chanting “we’re gonna have a weeeeeeedding!” Kate runs over to find out that RBM has compromised and bought tickets to the opera on the mezzanine (MEZZANINE?!) level for himself and Diane, and that Diane is now ready to announce their relationship to the family.

“You’re dating Gravy Ross’s dad? Awesome! I’ve finally got my in!”

I’m just as excited as Warren, honestly.

In the tag we meet Megan Mullally as Cricket Walrus, Kate’s mom, at the airport, escorted off the plane in handcuffs for pinching a male flight attendant’s butt. She kisses Pete on the mouth, he asks, “what just happened?” and we’re treated to a “to be continued…”

Next week: MUPPET WEDDING!

Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr.

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