From time to time, reality intrudes on our valuable TV watching time, and we realize we can’t cover everything we love. So, we’ve asked some of our friends to step in and help us out when Real Life gets in the way. And today is one of those days. Please enjoy this Trophy Wife post from Mary.
Hillary’s training for the track team with Diane…in Pete’s living room? Okay, it gets everybody in the same room for Diane to snark at Kate, anyway. Then Pete gets an emergency call from Jackie and he and Kate rush over to her place.
Kate: “What’s the disaster?”
Jackie: “Well it would be a disaster if you missed this amazing opportunity to invest in my latest business venture!”
Good opener, Jackie. It’s grabby. She’s in full infoJackie mode and Pete and Kate are almost out the door but Bert runs out in a fox costume and convinces them to stay. Jackie’s idea isn’t actually half bad; delivering prepared healthy school lunches. If I worked and had a bunch of kids in school I would give something like that some thought. Kate agrees:
“I stress every morning to make lunches a million times worse than this. Last week I sent Warren to school with a bag of ham and some Altoids.”
I really feel like Warren wouldn’t have minded. But Jackie’s prepacked Bento-style lunches DO look super cute. Pete tries to dissuade Kate, but she’s committed to the idea, convinced she can be the element to keep Jackie’s lack of follow through from tanking Foxed Lunches. Diane calls just then to make sure her insult from earlier really landed, and that seals it. Kate is going into business with Jackie. Diane sums up our thoughts:
“Oh you poor sweet dear fool.”
Naturally when Kate calls Jackie to let her know she has a new business partner Jackie a) has no idea what she’s talking about (she’s hand-dipping taper candles as she talks, which is a pretty perfect detail), b) demands a check made out to “cash” with “taxes” in the memo, and c) gives Kate the best answer to an either or question:
Kate: “So should we get together and talk about it? I could come to you or you could come over here?”
Jackie: “Surprise me.” *click*
Pete is with the boys at their first karate class and the instructor, played by a sadly underused Robb Corddry, is Sensei Rick, who teaches the kids first that they always begin and end the class by bowing to show respect, and then that anyone who parks in the dojo parking spaces on non-dojo business is going to get their ass kicked.
Jackie’s making Kate interview to be her business partner, and we learn that Kate is three credits shy of a degree in marketing, and her last job was doing the books and marketing for a local bar. I’m not sure if it’s the same one Meg works at now, but that would make sense.
Kate: “So, what do you say?”
Jackie: “Well, I guess I say: it must be Tuesday, cause girlfriend, you on fire! Welcome aboard.”
I have no idea either, and that’s half of why I love it so much. Thre’s a charming little montage of Kate and Jackie prepping lunches, day drinking, and high fiving once they complete their first sandwich (which takes them 45 minutes, probably because of all the montaging. I guess it’s more efficient for storytelling than for actually getting things done, which explains a lot about my concept of productivity.)
Meanwhile at the track:
Hillary’s outfit (and Diane’s, since they match) reminds me of Alex’s competition gear in the first Wizards of Waverly Place movie with the purple and black. Diane challenges Hillary to a one-lap race and teaches Hillary about winning graciously by yelling “SUCK IT” as they both collapse. Hillary bounces back up immediately to say hi to her friends and Diane sits, bedraggled and panting. I’ve never related to Diane more.
Heleeeeeene is Kate and Jackie’s first customer, though only technically since Kate gave her free sample lunches in hopes that she would get hooked and help spread the word about Foxed Lunches. Turns out it worked:
Heleeeeeene: “I was just telling my bi-otches in the P.T.A. — I like to call them my mom-fia — and they allll wanna give it a tryyyyyy!”
I have the feeling at least 12 of those kids are getting bags of ham.
After the commercial break Kate shows Jackie the SUPER CUTE car decal she had made of their logo, but Jackie’s not into it:
Rough life. Also she needs 50 organic Persian cucumbers and they only have $4 left of Kate’s “taxes” money. Instead of Jackie’s idea to quit while they’re ahead (Kate explains how this is not the case), Kate decides to just go buy the cucumbers. Along with an energy drink, a yogurt, and a hat. For Jackie’s art.
Pete has taken Warren and Bert to a movie (Sensei Rick’s recommendation) with assigned seating and there are some douche canoes in their seats. Pete is polite and reasonable so since this is a sitcom the guys just get douchier. But Pete doesn’t stand for it.
“Bert, hold my nonpareilles.”
He calls the usher, who gets the douches out of the way. Warren and Bert aren’t impressed.
Warren: “Sensei Rick would have totally annilated those guys.”
Pete: “Guys, hitting and kicking dosn’t make you tough. The real tough guys are the people who solve problems with their mind: arbitrators, jurors, professional conflict mediators!”
Warren: “Can we talk about this later? After we watch this guy take vengeance for his murdered family with only one fist?”
Bert: “And no shirt!”
Pete, dejected, demands his nonpareilles.
Kate and Meg are oarked behind a grocery store getting a back door vegetable hookup from Meg’s now-ex Tevin (he stole Meg’s pajama pants so it’s the least he can do.).
“Well well well, Kate, I assume you’re here for the tomatoes and a threesome since we’re all three here.”
As he says this, the actor playing Tevin is kneeling next to Meg’s open car window and like loading the tomatoes one by one onto the dashboard of the car? It’s weirdly hilarious to me, I don’t know. Kate nixes the threesome and the tomatoes and asks for her cucumbers (Tevin always gets the two mixed up), and while he’s gone Meg questions why Kate’s even doing this.
Meg: “I thought the whole reason you got married to Pete was so you wouldn’t have to work.”
Kate, glowingly: “No, I married him just for love.” (and the dimples, let’s be real.)
Tevin returns with the cucumbers which are decidedly not organic (Tevin: “They’re big though, just swollen with chemicals.”), but Kate gets Tevin to throw in a roll of “organic” stickers and they call it a day.
Hillary and Diane are enjoying a post-workout shake in a disturbing yellowish-tan color, which according to Diane “really makes the kidneys hum.” Diane asks Hillary to level with her about letting Diane win the sprint earlier. Hillary holds on for a moment but then relents and admits that since Diane is so competitive and they’re so much alike, competitions between them always end up ugly. Diane suggests a “fun jog” with no stopwatches OR ankle weights so I don’t know how much “fun” it could possibly be. She says it’s to just spend time with her daughter or whatever. They pound their shakes and that’s it, that’s the scene. I don’t mind it, but this storyline kind of felt like a throwaway since it was so insular and didn’t have many jokes in it.
Back at the dojo, in front of a wall lined entirely in framed shots of Rick in various karate poses and giving seriously great “HI-YA!” face in many of them, Rick asks Pete how the boys enjoyed the movie. And when Pete relays the douche canoe story and accusingly tells Rick he thinks Warren and Bert learned their aggressive attitudes from him, Rick is pretty pumped.
“They’re good listeners! You’re a father. I’m a son…who someday hopes to meet his father. So I totally respect what you’re saying.”
Rick invites Pete to join the class and see what it’s all about.
Kate and Jackie are almost done with their first round of lunches and it’s only 2 am, go girls!
Kate: “I told you we were gonna have a real business!”
Jackie: “I gotta hand it to you, Kate. You’ve got a real brain behind that Swedish robot face.”
Kate asked for more Foxed Lunch stickers from her bag, and Jackie happens upon the organic stickers. Horrified, Jackie dumps out the tabouleh and quits. After the commercial we see Kate haphazardly delivering lunches and then greeting Pete as he comes out ready for work, derangedly making more lunches.
Pete: “What’s wrong?”
“She quit on me! So I had to deliver 50 lunches and now I have to make 50 more for tomorrow and for the life of me, I do not know how to make a blueberry into a blowhole, A BLOWHOLE.”
Pete points out that the reason Kate got involved was because she didn’t like making lunches for the kids, and she is now making 47 more lunches than she was previously expected to. But Kate doesn’t want to quit; she’s been working since she was 10 (“I had a work permit that said I was 12!” Pete: “Canada’s a weird place.” SHE’S CANADIAN?!) and she needs the independence of having her own job. Just not one involving Jackie.
Kate: “She called me a robot face.”
Pete: “That’s ridiculous, your face is totally real.”
#SHIPIT. I just love the way Bradley Whitford delivers his lines.
Hillary and Diane are out on their fun jog which quickly turns into a super competitive sprint complete with sniping, as expected.
At the dojo, Rick creates a teachable moment using the movie theater situation Pete described and calling up his assistants to hold boards for him to break. Pete objects, what if they sue him?
Rick: “Ha! Good luck suing me with no teeth!”
He’s got a point there. But what if they call the cops? They’ve got guns!
“Hey guess what?” He flexes. “I’ve got guns too.” This guy. He’s got a flawless answer for everything.
Pete calls him on it. “I know you’re trying to embarass me because I believe in civilization. I could choose to kick ass, but I don’t.”
When Rick calls on him to prove it by breaking his own board, Pete promptly breaks his hand on his first attempt, before raging out at another quip of Rick’s and punching effortlessly through the board. Then we get this adorable slow-mo sequence of Warren, Bert, and Pete busting through the dojo doors to badass music. They strut down the street in their karate pajammies, sharing snarling smiles and high fives and then Pete high fives Warren and immediately doubles over in pain, clutching his bandaged and iced hand. Aaaaaand, end montage.
Kate shows Jackie an accidentally-penis-shaped peanut butter and jelly sandwich by way of quitting Foxed Lunches, but Jackie’s got some advice:
“Hey, Robot Face. Are you programmed to cut yourself a little bit of slack? So you tried something new and you’re 0 for 1! Big woop, I’m like 6 for 93 and two of them I settled out of court. You’re gonna be fine.”
Also she’s moved on to a new idea: The Puppy Poncho!
I don’t know, this one could be a winner too.
Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr.