From time to time, reality intrudes on our valuable TV watching time, and we realize we can’t cover everything we love. So, we’ve asked some of our friends to step in and help us out when Real Life gets in the way. And today is one of those days. Please enjoy this Trophy Wife post from Mary.

We open with Bradley Whitford in a bathtub so you know I’m intrigued.

Sadly, he’s sick, but he slept in the bathtub so he wouldn’t keep Kate up with his coughing, which is pretty damn considerate – even considering how luxurious that tub looks. Pete has to chaperone Warren’s field trip, but Kate insists he stay home so she can go in his place.

Kate: “You could wipe out an entire class of sophomores.”
Pete: “Nobody cares about sophomores.”

Ain’t that the truth?

But Pete had a nefarious secret reason for letting Kate go in his place: Diane’s also chaperoning the field trip. Kate’s quick on her feet though and calls “a healer” to come tend to Pete’s fever.

Kate: “I see your Diane and I raise you a Jackie.”

As Kate and Warren are on their way to the field trip, naturally the conversation turns to Kate complaining about Diane to Warren, which is not her classiest move. Warren feels her pain though: “You’re worried about her making you feel stupid aren’t you?” Aren’t we all?

Warren suggests that his mom simply needs to “get some” so she can relax, and after a brief miscommunication it’s revealed that Warren thought “get some” meant “get some chips! A blanket! Whatever makes you happy! Fill in the blank!” I mean, chips and a blanket would make most people happy… right? He’s not wrong. Scarred, Warren ends up agreeing that his mom probably does need to get laid.

At Chez Harrison – inexplicably, since Warren is already on his way to his field trip and one would think they should be at school already – Bert is worried about a note from his teacher reprimanding him for “interrupting class with excessive silliness.” Harsh! Excessive silliness turns out to include Bertwheels; “cartwheels, but with screaming.” It also turns out Hillary had his same teacher and offers to help him out.

Meanwhile, Jackie administers her greenish-brown liquid remedy for Pete’s illness:

Jackie: “So here’s the deal, cool? This is gonna go in you one hole or another.”
Pete: “I choose mouth.”

Thank God.

– which includes a mandatory pupil check after an hour so she can be sure she used the right kind of mushrooms.

Diane is, predictably, way overdoing chaperoning, though I can’t disagree that letting Jacob feel up a dinosaur would have probably put a damper on the day at the museum, so good job putting him on the early bus home, Diane.

Kate hilariously segues from that story: “speakin’ of feelin’ up,” but before she can get too far, Pete calls her on the house phone, panicked that a suddenly menacing Jackie has stolen his cell.

Jackie locks him in the bedroom, turns off the TV and takes away his “electronic book.” This is where she loses me. Also, she swaddles her ex-husband in his blankets like an infant and baby-talks to him, so let’s just say Jackie was not as much of my spirit animal as usual this week.

Warren, fully roped into Kate’s matchmaking mission, finds a perfectly nice lesbian for his mom, but, oops, she’s not a man, that’s just her haircut. Then we notice the Allstate Insurance Guy with the deepest voice in the creation and the world stops turning every time he speaks. It’s seriously distracting. But he uses hand sanitizer before he eats, tucks his napkin into his collar, and intones “walk please” to some hooligans running by, all unknowingly in unison with Diane sitting a few tables away in the museum cafeteria, so Kate runs over to introduce herself.

(I SWEAR when RussBradleyMorrison introduces himself and Kate mentions whose dad he is she refers to the kid as “Gravy Ross Morrison.” Back off guys, Kerry claimed the baby name Gravy like 3 years ago in one of her Community blog posts (or on Twitter? I forget, but it happened.)) {It’s true, I did, after Pierce proclaimed “Gravy Jones” to be the ultimate “fat girl name.” And I can’t believe that you remember I did that. –Kerry}

After lunch, Diane snootily corrects the docent and fends off Kate’s further matchmaking attempts: “Is all the world a sex club to you?”

I mean… in a way isn’t all of LIFE just kind of a sex club? This episode is making me ask a lot of questions tonight.

Pete is going to go to the doctor, but Jackie assures him he’s not in any shape to drive.

Pete: “You said the smoothie was herbal.”
Jackie: “It waaaas, buuuuut I put an assload of codeine in your tea.”

Then we get some Whitford thigh as he falls to the floor, both legs in one leg of his jeans, and Michaela Watkins gets the enviable job of dragging him back into the bed. Get it, sister.

Bert, oh poor underused Bert, how is your storyline going kiddo? Hillary gave him all sorts of advice to con his teacher into letting him go to recess again. So Bert’s trying to follow Hillary’s example, but he’s a seven year old so he ends up telling his teacher she looks “as old as you did this morning!” instead of saying that she hasn’t aged a day since she was Hillary’s teacher. He does offer her homemade cupcakes, and half his cream-cheese-and-jelly sandwich, but that’s when the jig is up.

Miss Wickershim: “You don’t have to be such a suck up.”
Bert: “What’s a suck up?”
Miss Wickershim: “Your sister.”


Miss Wickershim: “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Oh honey, we’ve all been thinking it.

Naturally, Bert tells Hillary about this exchange when he gets home later, and she goes to see Miss. Wickershim “to give her a piece of my mind! …And this apple.” Okay, that was cute.

The museum has a super sexy orchid pavillion, where Kate is spying as RussBradleyMorrison sensuously comments on Diane’s pantsuit. Then they makeout – FOR REALS! Get it, Diane! Kate of course can’t help but reveal herself, at which point Diane claims she doesn’t even know RussBradley, and he retorts the best retort to ever tort:

“I am not a cheap museum booty call.”


Later, when Kate confronts her about it, Diane has a rare moment of vulnerability (couched in disdain, naturally) that Marcia Gay Harden plays beautifully.

“Let me spell something out for you, Kate. I succeed at everything I do. I have one failure: my marriage. I keep this relationship private, because . . . it’s my business.”

The scene gets pinned with the runner of Diane assuming Kate was a barista, which had its best moment when Diane, corrected by Kate, replies: “No? I thought you had a job…”

Pete, now fully under codeine’s spell, finds a Jerry Maguire-ian women’s group (“G.O.A.L.s! Goal-Oriented Adult Lady s. GOALS! We’re basically a business support group of women of a certain age who haven’t gone through menopause yet.”) meeting in his living room.

Pete: Do any of you people have jobs?!

Pete starts to lose it a little, and grabs a chair he hilariously drags along in front of him like a walker as he wobbles threateningly towards the G.O.A.L.s:

“You-You wanna know my goal? I want all of you out of my house in ten seconds. Or I’m gonna sneeze, scratch, cough, wheeze, and LICK every one of you.”


Hillary confronts her former teacher with a speech that’s made me like her more than anything else she’s done on this show, so I’m transcribing it in its entirety:

“This will only take a minute, Nancy. At first I was offended that you called me a suck up. But on the ride over here I realized something: what you call a suck up, I call a go-getter. So I am going to keep go-getting, because it is going to go-get me places. First, it’s going to go-get me into college, and then it’s going to go-get me into law school, and then! Finally it’s going to go-get me a job clerking for Supreme Court Justice Sonia Sotomayor, so suck up on THAT!”

And then she gives her the apple. It’s organic.

Back, still, at the museum, Kate puts Diane’s eavesdropping to the test by staging an inspirational talk with Warren within earshot. Warren, sweetly, takes it to heart. I love that kid. Diane then interrupts the movie they later gather to watch in the museum theater (“Math: The Building Block of Space”) to announce that RussBradleyMorrison is tooooootally in her sex club (though not in so many words.)

Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr.


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