Licemageddeon 2013

From time to time, reality intrudes on our valuable TV watching time, and we realize we can’t cover everything we love. So, we’ve asked some of our friends to step in and help us out when Real Life gets in the way. And today is one of those days. Please enjoy this Trophy Wife post from Mary.

This post contains spoilers for the most recent episode of Trophy Wife, “Lice and Beary White.”

Possibly my favorite part of Kate’s storyline in this episode was the brief opener where she’s struggling to learn “Danger Zone” on an electric guitar with a You Tube video titled: Yevgeny Teach You Guitar! She’s interrupted by a call from Bert’s school (“Hello?…Yes, this is Bert’s stepmom…no, the blonde one.”) letting her know that Bert has…(dun dun DUN!) LICE.

“Nobody move, nobody touch, nobody sit, everybody listen to me and we’ll get through this. Now strip,” Diane orders when she meets everyone at Chez Harrison for Licemageddeon 2013. Kate is not keen on Diane taking over, but she is the only one who speaks up (I’m looking at you, Pete.)

“Before you even got here, I was kinda runnin’ this bitch!” Kate chirps adorably, and it all devolves from there.



The storyline of Diane taking over and Kate whining about it has been played out before more than once, so not only was it not a new dynamic to explore, it made both Kate and Diane look bad. Kate gets passive-aggressively butthurt that Diane is taking over and Diane is demeaning and abrasive. Kate and Jackie team up to teach Diane a lesson, but their plan backfires pitting Kate against Diane, which leads to a fairly half-hearted resolution. Frankly, this storyline bugged me for the aforementioned reasons, so I don’t have a ton to say about it. Diane should be more respectful, and Kate should be more assertive. Even Jackie’s side-switching left me cold, which, it’s *Jackie* and we all know how much I love her.

So let’s talk about Warren and Bert and Pete, yes?

As Pete strips Warren’s bed, revealing a piece of pizza (“Aw, come on…pineapple?”), he also finds a long-“lost” white teddy bear. “Beary White” was Warren’s much loved teddy bear whom he allowed Bert to adopt in a changeover ceremony involving a walkabout and a rebirthing, but as it turns out Warren didn’t find himself pleased with his other options once Beary was no longer his.


“He’s aliiiiiive, I prayed and it came true!” Bert wails in gratitude when Warren presents Beary White to him. But when the boys can’t decide who will keep the bear now, Pete decides to play judge and have them plead their cases in a custody hearing, because those always promote cooperation and goodwill.

Warren’s argument is pretty air-tight: “Fact: I had him first. Fact: I named him Beary White. Fact: although Bert made a big deal about it when he lost him, I don’t think he really cared that much.”

I think maybe Warren needs “fact” on one of his vocabulary flashcards. Bert objects on the grounds that those actually aren’t all facts, Judge Dad makes a note of it, and Warren is allowed to conclude his impassioned argument.

Warren: “I was under address!”

Pete: “You mean…under durress?”

Warren: “Yeah, that too.”

Ryan Lee’s delivery is just absolutely guileless, it’s very sweet. It kinda makes me feel bad for him when Bert so thoroughly rebuts with:

“Fact: Warren stole Beary White. Fact: stealing is wrong. Fact: Warren is wrong!”

Complete with an Annie-Edison-esque smack to the desk on his last point. Warren’s not having it though.

Warren: “Anyone can do that! Fact: I’m hungry! Fact: I want a cookie! Fact: I AM A COOKIE!”

Bert: “You’re not a cookie.”

Warren: “I can be whatever I want to be!”

Oh Warren. So close.

Pete, rightly stumped on how to rule, tells the boys a Bible story; “Do you guys know about the judgement of Solomon?” “Is that a video game?” “No.” “Then no.”

But Warren and Bert are perfectly happy to have Beary White cut in half, which freaks Pete right out (“I’m doin’ it! I’M CUTTIN’ THE BEAR! What is WRONG with you two?!”) and he leaves them to wrestle over poor Beary White yet again. But they come to him later having reached an agreement on split custody. Pete’s proud of their lawyer-like settling skills, but the boys aren’t similarly impressed:

Bert: “Is this what you do all day?”

Pete: “Yeah, I am…wasting my life.”

Warren: “Sounds like a real waste of time.”

Pete: “I’m…not proud of it.”

Jeff Winger would be horrified.

Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr


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