“We’re gonna need a lot of rice.”

From time to time, reality intrudes on our valuable TV watching time, and we realize we can’t cover everything we love. So, we’ve asked some of our friends to step in and help us out when Real Life gets in the way. And today is one of those days. Please enjoy this Trophy Wife post from Mary.

Preeeetty sure the Trophy Wife writers are stalking me a little bit between last episode’s Pete moments and this week’s moment between Meg and Diane, but we’ll get to all that in a moment and then in the tag, respectively. Meg is grumpily helping Kate carry a heavy box in from the car when she sees Warren up to no good: “Hey, what’s the weird virgin doing on the roof?”

Then this happens (I just like how dramatic this gif looks):

Meg: “That’s probably not good for my hernia.”

Warren is, in fact, going to jump off the roof of Chez Harrison into the pool while Hillary films it on her cell phone. Kate orders him off the roof and he complies… with a cannonball into the pool. What a little jerk. Luckily even though Hillary misses it Meg gets the whole thing on her phone.

Meg: “Don’t worry, I got the whole thing cutie!” [To Kate:] “What? You know I’m a sucker for virgins.”

Weird.

Kate’s attempt to reprimand Warren and Hillary includes repeating “not cool, you guys” about fifty times, which is as effective as it sounds.

Meanwhile Pete and Jackie are at a meeting with Bert’s teacher about a drawing he did of himself holding hands with his parents.


Jackie: “Oh, he wishes he had longer arms!”

Back at Chez Harrison:

 

Shock of shockers, watching House Hunters International is not really working as a punishment, so Kate resorts to calling Diane to punish them. Here we learn that Diane spray-tans, and when she arrives at the house she and Meg flirt about it for a minute.

Meg: “That is a really nice tan. Mine always come out streaky, who’s your girl?”
Diane: “Janine at CocoSun.”
Meg: “Wow, does she take walk-ins?”
Diane: “Use my naaaame.”
Meg: “I wiiill!”

Perhaps it doesn’t come through just in the dialogue, but trust me, it’s full on delightful.

As Meg takes off to get a walk-in with Janine, Diane sends the kids to their rooms and sits Kate down for a talking-to. Kate needs to learn to punish the kids by herself (duh), but, “I don’t want to punish them. I just want them to love me! I want everyone to love me because it makes me feel better about myself!”

Airtight logic.

Diane: “Punishing is part of being a parent and thanks to Pete’s inability to date casually… that’s something that you now are.”

She goes on to remind Kate that she won’t always be around – “Oh, because…you’re gonna die before me.” “No, because I have a job.”

To solve Bert’s arm-esteem issues and also probably help him see his parents as something other than adversaries, Jackie and Pete discuss things they could do together with Bert. Jackie mentions pirate mini-golf, but Pete wants to go get ice cream: “It’s quick. You’re in, you lick, you’re out.”

Oh Pete.

Jackie, predictably: “Well. Maybe if you did a little more of that during our marriage, we’d still be together.”

Bert shows up then, and at the mere mention of pirate mini-golf Bert goes adorably insane as only a seven year old boy really can, so that’s settled. So much for Pete’s totally inappropriate descriptions of dessert-eating. I would enjoy that so much as a runner (hint hint).

Diane and Kate are roleplaying as Hillary and Kate and if there’s a way to tell Hillary-sass from Diane-sass it’s that Diane-sass is more sophisticated. It’s a fine whine, let’s say (PUN COUNT: 1). She gets under Kate’s skin with a Taylor Swift jab, and after another moment of badgering Kate busts out:

Kate: “You think you don’t need to listen to me because I’m the step-mom? Well from now on, you better think twice before you mess with me little Miss Perfect. This is my house, alright, take your CONDESCENDING ATTITUDE, YOUR TANGERINE ARMS, AND SHOVE ‘EM WHERE THEY DON’T SPRAY, GOT IT?”
Diane: “Are you speaking to me or Hillary?”

Play it cool, Kate, you’re still talking to the master. Kate’s next move is an actual smart one; she confiscates all of Hillary and Warren’s screens, from laptops to cell phones. “But then I can’t tweet! What if something happened, how am I supposed to tell people how I feel about it?!”

Okay I guess I relate to Hillary sometimes, but Kate’s having none of it. “I just punished all over this place.” And she leaves, awesomely swinging a power cord behind her.

The punishees’ next move is to obnoxious their way out of punishment because that ALWAYS works. Saxophone and vuvuzela playing?

Kate: “Mad disrespect. …if you guys are trying to break me, I’m unbreakable. Like Bruce Willis or Samuel L. Jackson. Or whichever one is unbreakable in that movie by that guy that’s unbreakable.”

While Kate is literally sticking Playdoh in her ears to combat her stepkids’ jerkishness, Pete and Jackie are brushing up on their pirate accents at mini golf with Bert. They both sounded oddly Irish to me, anybody else?

We soon discover that Jackie is a SHAMELESS cheater, which should come as a huge surprise to no one.

Warren and Hillary up the stakes to reading aloud from one of Pete’s LEGAL EROTICA NOVELS THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

“I’m not thinking very honorably, Jack.”

Marley closed her eyes. She could feel his hot breath on her neck. Jack looked at her lustily.

“Motion granted.”

Next? Straight up pilfering through Kate and Pete’s bedroom for their phones, then volunteering Kate for next door neighbor Heleeeeeeeeeeeene’s (that’s how they all say her name!) garage-based spay and neuter clinic, It’s Raining Cats and Dogs.

Kate’s near breaking and smartly excuses herself to get a pep-talk from Diane, which actually is almost a pep-inducing conversation!

Diane: “Kate, I believe in you… in this particular case… at this moment in time.”

Pete’s having some real issues with Jackie’s scorekeeping, which he expresses in piratespeak of course:

“Methinks your mom be takin’ libertes with the keepin’ of the scorrrre!”

His voice goes SO HIGH with his incredulity it’s fantastic, but then Jackie gets kinda cruel when Bert steps away to take his shot.

Jackie: “I forgot what a nerd you are, nerd. What a prison your life must be.”
Pete: “We should have done ice cream. We would have been done two and a half hours ago and you can’t cheat at ice cream.”
Jackie: “Oh, frozen yogurt much?”
Pete: “Well you found a way.”

As they’re squabbling Bert gets a hole in one and wins a coupon for a free round, good today only. Yay!

Hillary and Bert, left alone for like half a minute, hear Kate’s phone ring and when they’re almost caught with it Warren throws it down the kitchen sink drain into the disposal. My toddler also throws things he’s not supposed to have when he’s caught with them, which is why we try to keep all valuables out of his reach. Kate really should have Warren-proofed before she stepped out.

Kate was in the shed, “full of cobwebs and Thighmasters, ugh!”, and goes to wash her hands. Hillary whispers to Warren that they’ll just put her phone in some rice to dry it out. Kate notices the sink isn’t draining and turns on the disposal. Warren: “We’re gonna need a lot of rice.”

Then the near-dead phone rings, Kate realizes what’s happened, and she. Goes. Nuts.

“Youuuuuu little {BLEEEEEEP}. THIS IS MY {BLEEP} PHONE YOU TWO THANKLESS {BLEEEEP} SMACKING {BLEEP} SCHEMING LITTLE {BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP}”

Warren and Hillary shrink away in horror and we slink away to commercial.

Back from commercial, Kate’s still {BLEEPING} going.

“Everybody. To your rooms,” she finishes.

Kate picks up the landline to call Pete in time to hear Hillary tattling on her to Diane, who arrives (again) momentarily. She pulls Kate outside and proceeds to totally pretend to ream Kate out. “Those are things that you don’t say out loud, you think them! I would have loved to have seen their faces.”

And then, with crazy arm motions to make it appear to Warren and Hillary watching through the french doors, she tells Kate she’s proud of her and IT’S GREAT! She tells Kate to find a balance between rage-monster and pushover, and then directs Kate to pretend-yell back at her. Kate thanks her for her support and tells her she really loves her kids and thinks they’re great – “…even Hillary.”

HAHA! I ugly cackle at that line every time. Hillary’s the worst.

Some jerky teenagers hassle sweet Bert at mini golf and tell Pete to shut up when he steps in. “Don’t say shut up! Shut up is mean, don’t say that!” Oh Jackie. Just be glad you weren’t hanging around Pete’s house today.

It devolves into a “shut up!” off until a pirate-dressed employee threatens to make them walk the plank (ban them from the course). Pete and Jackie, sensing a way out of the neverending day of not-ice cream, smartly decide to yell at the teenagers some more and promise Bert they’ll go for ice cream next time since they’re not allowed at mini golf anymore.

Back at home, Pete and Kate enjoy Hillary being an actual pleasant human being, and Warren has finished building the Ikea nightstand Kate had been interrupted from finishing with their shenanigans. Naturally it immediately collapses because Warren, but it’s the effort (and mind-numbing fearful respect) that matters. Kate is now a parent, officially.

And, though I don’t usually do the tags, I present to you something too glorious to leave out: Kate reading Pete’s legal erotica as he paces the living room in delight (and glasses):

“How does your client plead?” Judge Anderson asked as he reached for his gavel.

“Aroused,” Sydney purred back.”

The Magistrate shivered beneath his robe. ‘I wonder if she can tell I’m naked under it…’

Pete: “Oh yeah. That’s good.”

You have NO IDEA.

Mary is a military wife, mother, and certifiably pathological fangirl. Though she’s written before, this is her first foray into blogging. Her interests include livetweeting, cooking, baking, buying, and – most importantly – eating food, puns, and deciphering her toddler’s attempts to speak English. Follow her #mamatweets, #wifepeopleproblems, and #islandproblems (it’s not all complaining, honest) on Twitter at @maryarrr.

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One thought on ““We’re gonna need a lot of rice.”

  1. Pingback: How Obsessed With "House Hunters" Are You Actually | Bringing the best news to the People

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